Back when Alex first passed I wasn't able to eat after experiencing the shock of his death. My daughter went with me to the doctor so I could get anti-nausea medicine so that I could eat. I poured my heart out to the woman doctor telling her about how benzodiazepines killed my husband. At the end of the appointment she offered to prescribe me Valium. I thought to myself, "What is this, a cruel joke by the universe to have offered me the very thing that killed my husband?" so I took the script for the anti-nausea pills and left.

 

​I hate being sad. I hate being depressed. I didn't want to spend my time crying all day. That would be too exhausting. I decided I was going to swallow my tears and force myself to go on with life. ​​

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Getting my house ready for sale was a way to keep myself busy so that I wouldn't be feeling grief all the time. At least it was a goal to work on. I had several repairs done on the house. Witnessing to Alex's sister Jackie was another goal that kept me preoccupied so that I could avoid the grief.

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I moved to Ohio during the Pandemic. New York had kicked my children out of public school because I refused to allow them to have the Covid vaccine but Ohio was not mandating the vaccine.

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I wasn't able to sleep at night due to racing thoughts about what had happened and trying to sort things out in my mind and dealing with the trauma. I finally decided to take Benadryl to make me drowsy enough to fall asleep. I found the Benadryl to be mood altering as well. I later learned that it actually does affect dopamine levels. However, long term use has shown to lead to memory loss and dementia. I didn't want that happening to me so I promised myself I would not stay on it after a year had passed. A year had finally passed and I quit the Benadryl for good. It's a non-addictive substance so I had no withdrawals, but I did have to get adjusted to making myself fall asleep at night. I dealt with the insomnia and got through it although I was very tired from lack of sleep. My body adjusted over time.

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I got a job at Hobby Lobby in Ohio. I had finally settled down into my new life with all my new surroundings. That's when it hit, the "sting" of the grief of death. There was no big goal to work on because I had already sold my house and moved. I remember sitting in my car with the worst feeling that came over me.  I could barely stand it. As much as I avoided crying this was worse than crying. I guess the biblical wording "sting of death" would be the best way to describe it. There was no running from this feeling. I was horrified. Everything was calm in my life now but it was like I woke up from a nightmare. I felt like there was nothing to look forward to in life anymore. I didn't have any more goals to strive to achieve. It was just daily day to day tasks every day. 

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Food didn't taste the same. I remember really enjoying my food, but I didn't even enjoy the snacks I used to like. No activity seemed fun that I did. When I worked at Hobby Lobby their store music playlist included Pachelbel's Cannon which was played at my wedding. I never enjoyed hearing that music day after day, which was a cruel reminder of my shattered dreams. I tried to forget about everything that happened as best I could. Working at Hobby Lobby made it impossible for me to forget because the last job Alex had was working with me at Hobby Lobby. Every time I turned a corner in the store, I thought about our memories of working together.