I Lost Him

When I first lost him I experienced what people call "shock". Everyone thought it was remarkable that I was functioning so normally. I think shock is a mechanism that helps people get through the first phase of a devastating loss. I had this feeling of almost overwhelming horror is how I can best describe it. After I learned Alex had died, the first person I called was my adult daughter Jasmine. She was at work at the time, I told her about Alex's death over the phone. I asked her if she would accompany me to Canada to be with his family for the day. She broke down crying at work then came to go with me. I remember praying on the drive to Canada that his body be taken from the house by the time I got there because I didn't want to see him dead. I wanted to remember him alive. His family was surrounding his body paying their last respects at the home. It was an hour and forty-five minute long drive. When I had arrived I learned that they took his body to the morgue ten minutes before I got there.

I only cried for the first time when I was alone in my bed at night. In the middle of the night I was crying quietly so the children would not overhear. I tried to console myself by gently touching my own forehead and stroking my hair with my hand as a mother would when trying to console her own child. Mentally I couldn't understand why I was doing this. Maybe someone else is guiding my hand I thought... then I heard my name being spoken in the room all of a sudden only the voice didn't sound human. It sounded like as if someone was talking through a trumpet and it said, "Cassia!" As if to get my attention suddenly. I got scared after I heard it so I got up and left the room. I wondered if it was God trying to talk to me. I was afraid of God even though I've followed him all these years. Supernatural experiences like these, I was very leery of. I was afraid of anything else being spoken, so I left the room. Nothing else was said after that. I remembered a phrase from the Bible that said, "Then I heard a voice like a trumpet". I went to go and look that up to see who that was. I found out that it was Jesus speaking in the voice of a trumpet in the book of Revelation Chapter 1 verse 10. So that's when I knew that Jesus actually did speak to me. I realized that he must have been there although I didn't see him. Maybe he guided my hand to try and soothe me.

I didn't expect to be writing this chapter. After three and a half years of marriage Alex succumbed to losing his own life. I took down the website about his marvelous deliverance because this is not how the story was supposed to end. It was supposed to be happily ever after. It's now over seven years since his death and I'm finally able to recount what happened. I made him that beautiful quilt you see draped over his casket. I was going to give it to him for our fourth anniversary, only he didn't make it to that anniversary. I finally decided to tell the rest of this story. God guarantees that he will save our soul, but in some cases we might lose our physical lives. God is totally capable of saving our bodies, but sometimes due to our own ignorance, we can lose our lives on this earth. Eventually, even the most saintly of humans succumbs to death. Our home is our heavenly abode, we are only passing time here.

And I say unto you my friends, Be not afraid of them that kill the body, and after that have no more that they can do. But I will forewarn you whom ye shall fear: Fear him, which after he hath killed hath power to cast into hell; yea, I say unto you, Fear him. Luke 12:4

I wondered if Alex would be allowed to see his own funeral in the spirit world somehow. I imagined that he might be able to view it. It was a way for me to feel that he was still around even though I know he wasn't here anymore. I wanted to carry through with exactly what he would have wanted. I searched for some nice pictures of him growing up and made a funeral flier for him. I asked Pastor Ron from Jay Bartlett Ministries to conduct his funeral because we didn't know any other pastor that knew his circumstances as well as he did. He would have wanted that everyone in his funeral hear the gospel. That would be priority number one. I know that Pastor Ron would deliver.

We held an outdoor by the graveside funeral for him. It was a beautiful spring sunny day in May. The weather couldn't have been better. As everyone arrived, some went to the viewing of him in the casket. I chose not to view him dead. I did not want that image of him in my mind forever. His cousin Sonya made the same choice. They did lay his head on a nice quilted peacock pillow that I made for him. They asked me if I wanted to put the quilt I made in the casket to be buried. I said "No, I want to keep it." Why bury something that took me so long to make? It took me almost a year to find the fabrics and put it together.

As I walked to the funeral room foyer I saw Jake. Jake said jokingly, "His ride is here." I didn't understand that statement, then looked over to see a big black hearse. What a sinking feeling it was that hit me all of a sudden. I was kind of in a daze where reality was setting in slowly. The idea of Alex not here wasn't a concept I fully grasped yet. I guess that cruel joke thrust me into reality all of a sudden.

All of my children traveled up to Canada with me to be at the funeral. I felt bad that they had to go through this. I didn't cry in front of them because I didn't want to make it worse for them. I remember sitting in a chair in the first row with Alex's mother and sister sitting near me. I looked over to Jackie and she had a somber look on her face and I could almost tell what she was thinking. She had seen his extreme suffering in life and I could swear she was thinking that at least her brother was no longer suffering. I was glad that she at least had that to console herself at this moment.

As we sat there waiting for the service to begin, all of a sudden a big gust of wind came out of nowhere which took the poster of Alex with pictures of him and his dad and myself as his Alex's bride, and blew it right into the hole that they had dug for the casket. There hadn't been any other wind that day and there wasn't any other gusts of wind after that because it was a nice sunny warm day in May. I really had this feeling that the devil or demons brought the gust of wind to angrily blow his picture into the grave. It gave me a creepy feeling as I was one of the images on that picture. I guess I was not done feeling the demons wrath for daring to care about this man and making efforts to help him get rid of these demons. What an unsettling way to start his funeral.

Ron came through and preached a sermon about how Jesus Christ can save you because we are all sinners in need of salvation. I could tell that the guests felt uncomfortable that a salvation through Jesus Christ sermon was being pitched. His mother was especially annoyed and requested that Ron not be allowed to come over to her home after the funeral. I didn't blame her. In her mind this wasn't a time for sermons, it's a time to say goodbye and mourn our loss. It did seem out of place but I know it's exactly what Alex would have wanted. The only person that seemed to be overjoyed about the sermon was Alex's nephew Zack. After the funeral he excitedly told us, "Oh, I know that Alex would have wanted a sermon like that to be preached. It was a good sermon, I really liked it. I'm reminded of all the times that Alex was always coming up to me and excitedly preaching in my face." Zack laughed and was so amused. I was glad, because, Zack was one of the people that needed to be saved.

Below is the Eulogy I gave at Alex's funeral: (note, he went by his first name Pedro in Canada).

Farewell speech about Pedro da Silva's life-

I was with Pedro two nights before he died and when he was with me he prayed to God. He was going through a tremendous struggle to the depths you cannot even begin to imagine both physically and mentally. Yet despite all his pain and suffering he said one statement that the Bible says, that Jesus is the way the truth and the life. And it's written in his letter to God that I have provided for you today. He wrote this almost a week before his passing.

I am not going to stand here and tell you it was God's will that this happened because it's not. His life was snuffed out too soon. I believe he was meant to have many more years on this earth. But our enemy is a formidable foe. The Bible says that my people perish for lack of knowledge. So that means that sometimes God's people do perish, but they are God's people. And though it was not God's will, God permitted it. Pedro fought the good fight, but in this life in the battle between good and evil it's a war zone and Pedro was a casualty in that war. But he fought the good fight and he fought hard.

Pedro belonged to God. As you all know he was not ashamed of his Lord. The Bible says that if any man is ashamed of the Son of Man, he will be ashamed of you before God the father. He was zealous for the Lord and I know he witnessed to many of you.

As you all know he wasn't wealthy and he couldn't boast about what a great and wonderful career he had which is called the pride of life. He didn't have those things. But like the Apostles, who said, "Silver and Gold I have none, but what I do have I give thee." Acts 3:6

I want to stand here today and tell you that Pedro was ruthlessly pursued by the enemy of mankind to a degree few could fathom. He took many things from Pedro but he could not take his faith away. In the bulletin you will see a letter Pedro wrote to God about a week before his death. In it you will see that - (Read the letter below).

The graphic above was made by Alex himself in a Power- point presentation he made for the Lord which can be seen on his old You tube channel: English version French Version

"Dear God, can I really be forgiven for all the mistakes, the lies, the sins and iniquities I have committed? Would you take a wretched sinner like me and create in me a clean heart, a heart that is new, a heart that can feel and experience love, love for others, love for you?

I am desperately asking for forgiveness Lord. I know you are the Way, the Truth and the Life.

Please help me to go beyond the pain, the traumas in my life and the negative wave of emotions that have filled me. I am begging for your Love to invade me and to fill me afresh. Please help me to make the right decision Lord. I am asking you to set me free from all of this torment.

In Jesus name I pray. Amen"

All of this reminded me of the passage of the Pharisee and the Tax Collector...

The Pharisee stood on the street corner bragging about his righteousness thanking God he wasn't like the low life sinners he saw that were extortioners or unjust or adulterers and bragged about how much fasting he did and about the tithes he donated. But the publican standing a far off could not so much as lift his eyes up to heaven because he was so ashamed and beat his chest saying, "God be merciful to me a sinner". Then the Bible says that this was the man who went down to his house justified rather than the Pharisee. Luke 18:9-14.

I am sure that Pedro has his answer from God now. That yes he is forgiven and God is restoring his soul at this very moment.

I know it was his wish that all of you would turn to his savior, Jesus was the only one to whom he could find relief for his suffering on this earth. I also know that when you come to visit his grave it's his wish that you talk to the Heavenly Father in Jesus name asking God himself to give him any message you may have to tell him. Because humans who have passed away are not Omniscient and Omnipresent like God. And it's strictly forbidden to talk to the dead in the Scriptures for that reason. So please pass on all your messages to Pedro through what the Bible says is the ONLY mediator between God and man and that is Christ Jesus. It's what Pedro would have wanted. Matthew 23:9.

Pedro found the Truth in his lifetime. And it's not religion. He would not want to hear, you have your religion and I have mine. He wants you to have a relationship with God not a religion. So remember this passage if nothing else because his life stood for this -

John 14:6 Jesus said unto him, "I am the way, the truth, and the life, no man comes to the Father but by me."

(It was the last and only scripture quoted in his letter and his last prayer that I heard although I know he prayed more after that).

Click here to read Chapter - Sorting Things Out