As I Wait
Below is a poem he dedicated to me. It's not the type of poem a girl would necessarily want, but, it's as if he knew our fate. For some reason he gravitated towards the tragic romance theme. He created a graphic to go with it of a woman in a castle alone with a dove flying in the window.
The Willow Wept
A meadow sweet was drenched in rain
When two young lovers gaily came,
To rest beneath a tree so high;
With branches reaching to the sky.
They lay beneath a Willow tree
To shelter for the night;
Forever wrapped in arms of grace,
They now are gone from sight.
For winds howled in the twilight
The sky was black as ink;
And wrapped into each others arms,
In sleep, the two did sink.
The lovers were near frozen
And the tree, it knew their plight;
So it wrapped its branches, sweeping low,
To warm them through the night.
The storm did blow with fury true
The Willow glanced below;
They lay, so still, entwined as one;
Their faces, white as snow.
The flurry of the midnight
Sang a sweet yet mournful song;
For a tree, so strong with branches proud
Now wept in sorrow, lowly bowed.
Winds of Morning,through its leaves
Plucked a few, in gentle breeze;
But weeping for the love of these
As the evening gently eased~
The Willow sweet, forever lowered
Branches, to their leafy bower;
Thus, forever from this hour
~ The Weeping Willow weeps ~
author – unknown
He often listened to the song "One by One" by Enya. He kept saying that he was living on borrowed time. He was trying to appreciate the time he had with me. He'd take me to do simple things like going to see ducks and swans swim in the lake. We walked everywhere, in the spring, in the summer to the fall, and even winter. I didn't care where we went, what I enjoyed most was his company. I would love to watch how animated he got when he talked about something. I loved to hear his spiritual discoveries and insights. When he was well it was if he knew that the Lord was watching over him. He'd always notice when a ray of sunshine all of a sudden broke through the clouds and shined towards us.
I can't believe it's been over seven years since he passed. My world lost it's color that day. It's a gray place for me since then. I've dealt with it because I really haven't had much choice. The best way I can describe my condition is through this song by Josh Groban -
I got a few cats to keep me company, but something always feels missing. One day recently I realized that I couldn't remember feeling the love I had for Alex anymore. In it's place was just dullness. After he died it was actually the good memories that hurt me the most because I knew that on this earth they would never happen again. I tried to forget even the good times. I didn't look at pictures of him, I put albums away, and took pictures off the wall. I was told by a friend of mine that I shouldn't put pictures and posts up on Facebook about him due to the nature of his death. I was sad because I couldn't even publicly cherish my loved one without scrutiny.
As it occurred to me that I had forgotten. I asked God to help me remember the love I felt for Alex. I had a particularly hard day one day and noticed as I went out to my car that there was a big dove sitting in a tree right by my parking space. I kind of wondered if that was some sort of sign. Alex would always notice birds, especially doves. He would call me his dove. Like a dove I realized that I didn't want to ever replace Alex with another man because my heart was his and I just wanted it this way. I was going to wait to see him in heaven for whatever relationship we are allowed to have there. A dove is a special bird because if it's mate dies they don't find another. Their mate is for life. The picture below has not been altered. It's the actual bird that was right in front of my townhouse on one of the coldest days of the year.
In the process of asking God to help me remember I found an old hard drive that Alex placed all our old photos and songs on. I've been sifting through it after more than seven years. I am finally looking at everything again. Then I started to remember... and the memories came flooding back along with being able to remember the love I felt for him. Now I find myself crying these days even though I resisted it for seven years. Then I came across a file that says it was it his testimony. It was the story of his miraculous deliverance that I had written for him many years prior. He read it and approved of it way back when. He was never ashamed of his deliverance. He would show people the Jay Bartlett videos that are still on line to this day.
I've always been a positive person, not wanting to be obsessed with gloom and doom. I always hated death. As a teenager when I was in stores I would turn over Satanic record covers. I could not stand this type of "music" and could not understand why anyone would like death and tragic endings. I think about and look forward to the day when all these songs and albums will burn in the Lake of Fire and be no more, while hoping the people would turn from this wickedness and get saved. Since Alex liked the movie Legend I decided to wear the dress Lily wore here in this graphic and show myself running to my beloved someday. He was a hopeless romantic, but I'm a hopeful romantic. If I could send a message to him in heaven I'd say-
Will heaven cheer us on some day when we reunite? Sometimes it was if I could hardly get to talk to the true you because of the layers of things going on with you. It will be nice getting to know you again without all the devils tearing us apart. You'll have had a lot of time for Jesus to personally help you where all the deliverance ministers failed. Thanks for sticking it out here on earth as long as you did to spend some time with me here. I don't know if God will send you this message, but I am going to ask him to. It's getting pretty messy down here on earth. I think the end is soon. I've endured all these lonely days. We used to have to say goodbye every two weeks because we were in separate countries and they only allowed so many visitation days a year. It's been over seven years now since I saw you last. This is the long haul. I can't wait till I never have to say goodbye again, but I will wait and do whatever else I need to do down here. I am trying my best to make you proud of me. God is going to defeat his last enemy once and for all, which is death when the end of this world comes. Then this sting in my heart will be gone. Jesus will bring in the light that will consume all that darkness and make the world a beautiful place again where the horses run free.
Song of Songs 2:10-13
My beloved spoke and said to me,
“Arise, my darling,
my beautiful one, come with me.
See! The winter is past;
the rains are over and gone.
Flowers appear on the earth;
the season of singing has come,
the cooing of doves
is heard in our land.
The fig tree forms its early fruit;
the blossoming vines spread their fragrance.
Arise, come, my darling;
my beautiful one, come with me.”
I recently found this song when embarking upon finishing the story of our tragic romance. I imagined he might have made me stumble upon the song, but then I realized it's actually my sentiment to him. He would always say it was the 11th hour and see number 11's everywhere and always notice when it was 11:11. I thought it was a weird obsession of his. But, he knew it was the end times and felt led to warn people. Now I feel we are way past that, we are at the 12th hour, the Midnight hour, and I feel like my love for him has awoken once again, because I am going to see him very soon.